As I was on my hands and knees COVERED in dirt pulling out 8 bags of water wasting grass…I was envisioning this grass as all of the things in my life that I have had to say goodbye to in the past few months.
My life is seriously changing at the blink of an eye, and sometimes I feel completely within the flow of it, and ready for the new life to start…while other times what I need to release looks pretty, feels good and my Ego tries to talk my soul into slowing my roll to rebirth, and sit and enjoy the scenery for a minute.
In the past 4 months I have lost a job, lost a “relationship experience” and just recently lost a band of 11 years. All of the things that made who I was who she was…are gone.
Minus of course the quasi-relationship…that did not make me who I was…that was a short but deep jaunt into what it will feel like once I really do find the man who is ready, willing and able to love me. Not the one who loves me and it scares the shit out of him so he flees emotionally and then physically.
The other two however…have been a huge part of who made me me…the lead singer of a band who also always had a corporate USA gig. The freak who was free enough to express herself artistically…yet was able to climb the vanilla ladder and move her way up in the Advertising Industry to pay off tons of debt from a huge house fire and stay in a burn ward.
Interesting that once I paid off all the debt from the medical bills and starting over from my first rebirth (the fire) I immediately lose that Corporate gig, and am able to begin my current rebirth.
Thankfully this rebirth is not from a physical trauma…there have been SO many physical ailments that have rebirthed me this lifetime. The month in the Burn Ward, the Month in the Hospital having a Colon Resection, The Month in bed after being hit by a car…and now I am yet again rebirthing…but within this one I feel strength instead of weakness, pain and the need to rebuild.
Instead of rebuilding as I am so accustomed to doing after everything goes to shit or is taken away…this time I am simply building because I am starting from an already strong and able place.
This rebirthing is coming in layers…it started in November by taking away the Corporate gig, and allowing me the time to get my healing business off the ground, and I do have to say that even though I am making FAR less money than I was in the velvet lined cage of Corp. USA…I also have no credit card debt which was taking away all of that money I guess I never really made even though it was printed on my bank statements, so I am doing OK.
There are good months, and slow months. March was a slower month…but I just hustled a bit more, made some calls and got some clients to book. I work in an industry that people forget to look into. Self Care is the first to slip most people’s mind because we are so busy taking care of others and demands at work and home take precedence over getting a massage/Reiki/Tarot/Cupping session.
I am never one to push my services on people…but I also know that I need to take a slight sliver of what I learned from my bootcamp training of 15 years in the advertising industry and use it in my current business. If you want something…you have to ask for it, and close that deal no matter what.
Well…as a holistic healer…my approach is much different than the Team Sales Manager I used to be a lifetime ago. I chose 3 people who I have not seen for a month or so who used to come in quite regularly, and sent a very unassuming e-mail merely wishing them a happy Spring, and that I was here for them if they ever wanted to come in for some self care.
All 3 of them thanked me for reminding them to take care of themselves, and all 3 made appointments.
This taught me that uprooting the all encompassing security of the Corporate job out of the garden of my life is going to be ok. Where once it felt like a huge hole was in my life…I now see that the hole is merely a blank canvas that I can grow new and exciting plants that I can mix and match to create the work in my life that makes me happy, feeds my soul and is heart based instead of greed and fear based.
The Healing Woods is the root of my work…but I am also doing amazing things with The Salt Studio. I am going to be doing public speaking to parents about Reiki and the healing affects on children. I am also doing a teleconference with a soul sister about using past pain as a power for change and growth in your life. Also continuing with the Juicing classes, Reiki classes and adding in even more public speaking about Fire Cupping and Reiki to the public at large to spread information and understanding about 2 modalities I feel so much passion about.
For someone without a job…I am one busy bitch…and it is because a huge portion of my garden was cleared out in order to plant all this beautiful sustaining new growth in.
Ah…..the quasi-relationship. It came and went like a tornado…was as exciting as an E Ticket roller coaster, mind bending, soul shaping and at times extremely pleasurable, and it came RIGHT when the Corp job left me. We all know Nature Abhors a Vacuum…so of course once I had more time because I was not chained to a desk M-F 9-5pm, and he and I spent more time together, got closer and went through the experience of a relationship…but there was nothing stable rooting it to the earth…it was more like 2 souls experiencing the FUCK out of each other…but at the same time scaring the fuck out of each other as the waltz of duplicity and fear spins in the background.
What I did learn from this “relationship experience” was that I’m ready for the love that will stick around for a while. Not just the one that sweeps in and stretches open my heart long enough to make it bigger and more useful…but then runs away leaving a big gaping wound where he once was.
My heart is much stronger and bigger because of all the pain I went though around this experience…yes. I however deserve to have some of the comfort, peace and joy that comes with love…not just the growth.
After the love experience was in and out of my life…then came the work offer at The Salt Studio doing Reiki on children and adults. It was exactly what I asked for in the meditations I was doing (and continue to) with different planets and archangels. I literally asked Jupiter…the planet of expansion…to help me expand my reach for Reiki outside of my client base at The Healing Woods, and low and behold…this beautiful opportunity comes in to replace the time and energy I was giving to figuring out the relationship experience.
So if we are keeping track here…my past 4 months have gone something like…lost job/gained relationship experience, lost relationship experience/gained Salt Studio…which brings us to the final layer of the rebirthing…Lost band.
The band was not really lost…so much as it just died out. 11 years is a hell of a long time for a band to stay together…especially one that is not making any money…we were just friends who loved each other and loved making music together. I was so many different incarnations of myself within those 11 years…starting as Demonika and ending it as Abhayada.
Demonika was a name I created in high school…my “goth name” and it was what I hid behind because at the time (late 80’s/early 90’s) it was not cool to be goth, and I got made fun of ENDLESSLY…but I used Demonika and the goth image as a suit of armor to keep them away as much as possible.
At age 26 when the band started Demonika was also a shield…but in a different way. Demonika wrote COUNTLESS lyrics about boys and men she was in love with, but totally unable to tell them to their face within words. Instead of telling them directly, she would belt out her feelings within the lyrics…sometimes right in front of those men who were in the audience and had no idea the song was about them.
Demonika met a living Saint at age 30, and was later named Abhayada by Amma…and it took a few years of transition to drop the shield of Demonika and become the light Abhayada has now taken on. Now I am able to express my feelings within spoken words to the person much more freely than I ever was before, and I have the peace within that was born of the decade of lyrical introspection, putting my soul on stage and emptying out the pain, frustration and sadness into something beautiful, and helping people through some of their own shit by putting my pain on display.
So many people have written to me or pulled me aside in a club telling me that they love listening to my lyrics to help them get through difficult situations in their life. This makes sense because difficult situations are exactly what caused me to write the lyrics I wrote. I wrote them because I lived them.
So now…we have all grown from this musical family…and it is time for us to part as bandmates…but we will forever be friends.
Once again…Nature abhors a vacuum…so now that I have more time on my weekends and I don’t have to worry about booking shows, doing research for places for us to play and keeping networking connections out in “nightlife” land…I am now dating a few men, and taking it REALLY slow to see who really is ready, willing and able to make a relationship experience a real relationship. I am also open to any new one coming in. Gone are my days of putting the chicken before the egg…putting all my eggs in one basket and all of those other old sayings.
I’m in no huge hurry to marry myself off. My mistake with the last experience was feeling that spark of soul connection…and when I feel that…it’s like setting a fire cracker off in the dry brush of our mountains in September…not a very good idea. Fire should be used to keep you warm, slowly cook food and slowly cook a relationship…not burn down and destroy all boundaries and chances for any growth.
Looking for the slow but deep hearth fire of love…not the firecracker of love that erupts into pretty displays, but is then burnt out and useless.
This all brings me back to my Full Moon intentions that I planted within my garden today.
The time/energy wasting grass was pulled out handful by painstaking handful under the blazing Sun…sweat dripping into my eyes and down my brown with dirt face…and as each handful of grass what uprooted I felt my past moving further and further away from me.
Underneath that grass was beautiful black soft soil just screaming for something meaningful to be planted there…so I used a Groupon I bought long time ago for $100 worth of plants for $50…and I chose $100 worth of edible vegetables to plant to use within my juicing.
With each baby plant I dug a hole for I named that plant something that I wanted to bring into my life, and as I tend this garden, and help to make these plants grow and produce healing medicine for me to eat and drink…so will my intentions grow within my life.
Even the most gigantic of Redwood trees was once a tiny seed the size of grain of rice…size means nothing when you have the power of love and determination to water it with.
I look forward to my little plants taking over the landscape of my garden…much like the intentions they hold within my life will take over the landscape of my life.
“When I become Death, Death is the seed from which I grow.”
~William S. Burroughs