Updated: Nov 22, 2020
For decades I have struggled with weight and had become an expert at hating my body, hiding my body in layers and dodging cameras. I would hide behind people in group shots with the excuse that "I'm tall, so I'll stand in the back." and I always felt I had to be completely dressed up and have hair and makeup done if I was going to take a picture and allow it on Social Media.
In the beginning of 2018, I decided to have a Boudoir shoot done to try to love and celebrate my body where it was at my highest weight 125 pounds ago.
I was literally petrified.
I could barely look at the camera...my heart was pounding and I just wanted to run out of the room, but my photographer was an amazing woman who was super patient with me, and really helped me through the photoshoot, and some beautiful shots were taken.
I spent an hour curling my hair, and putting on a ton of makeup because I felt like I really had to polish and dress up this body in order to look semi-decent in a photograph. Also, this is not just a photograph taken in super flowy dresses and layers I used to hide in, this was a BOUDOIR shoot...my first one EVER, and why the hell was I even putting myself through this?
I showed up through my fear...I wanted to do it as a celebration of who I was at the beginning of the weight loss journey because I made a commitment to myself, in the beginning, to love me through each and every step on this long journey...to love myself at any number the scale threw at me.
Every single thing I didn't like about myself was glaring me in the face as I got ready that morning and it didn't leave my mind when I got to her studio, in fact, the dull whispers started screaming at me, but I pushed through, and even looked at the camera once....
Flash forward to last week, and I was finally able to put on a swimsuit I bought online last year as a "One day I'll release enough weight to fit in this." inspiration piece.......and it fit!
As I looked at myself in the full-length mirror make-up-less, hair frizzy and weird from not being washed in a while and not even toe or nail polish on because quarantine...and I saw beauty.
Beauty in the Raw...not the type of beauty I had to work for or create with products, certain types of clothes or good angles...I looked in the mirror and felt so much love for me.
I took a quick picture of myself in the mirror just to keep for myself, as I have a file of photos I have taken of myself monthly throughout my journey, so I could keep a log of my visual progress as well as measurements and weigh-ins.
I have been on a Journey of the Heart in 2020 since 2019 was all about the transformation of the body, and this Quarantine has really given me the space and time to dive in DEEP. I am in what I call Heart School, which is daily inner work to really heal myself from childhood love trauma all the way to right now love patterns, and I have learned SO MUCH about who I am, who I want and who I never want again.
As I looked at this quick picture without the lighting, makeup and poses I had the thought, "I should really celebrate where I am by sharing this photo of me in a bathing suit online."...again...something I have NEVER even thought of doing in my whole life...and this time...it wasn't scary for me at all.
In this picture:
I feel amazing.
I feel energized and free.
I feel strong.
I feel beautiful.
I am proud of everything I have accomplished on my journey.
I am proud of my body for all of the scary things it has been though with me.