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I am so fucking angry and thank you.

I am up close to 4am trying to concentrate on finishing my book, but my mind is elsewhere, so I need to dump it somewhere…so here it goes.

FUCK CANCER.

A dear friend and the husband of my spiritual brother is laying in the ICU of City of Hope right now on life support. We have been told he will never wake up. I will never get to hear his laugh, see his smiling Irish eyes and talk to him about life again.

In the last 10 years, I have seen WAY too many people be touched by Cancer…some lightly touched before getting it taken care of, some still fighting for their lives like warriors daily and some are no longer on this planet as a human, but have moved over to become my loving guides as Spirit.

All around me I see proof that this life I have been given will not be forever. The family I have will not be around always and even my cat who is 20 years old this year is showing signs of slowing down.

Life has never been slow for me…I have always kept busy and encouraged change and transformation in…but this shit is getting scary. I suppose dying once and coming back after the fire, I knew that I was here for a reason, and there were many reasons at age 23.

The first one out the gate of the Burn Ward was getting out of the retail manager industry at shitty fabric and craft stores and into a solid and secure (so I thought) 9-5 in the Advertising Industry…15 years of my life got sucked into that in what now seems like a week.

The main creative goal was to start a band, and 12 years of my life went like a flash in the pan to that.

Writing this book became a labor of love that started while in the Burn Ward on a dog-eared journal, which is barely being held together by love and tape, and continued on countless Word Docs over the past 17 years that I started and stopped, not really feeling that the direction I was going in with the writing was ever “right”

Life will never be right…but it is RIGHT NOW.

This moment is really all we have, and for some of us…our hours are numbered, like my sweet friend in ICU.

I guess I thought that since I made it through the fire, colon resection and Jaws of Life that I was invincible.

Time will conquer all of us, and NOW is all we have to live, love, express and honor each other.

Thank you to anyone who is reading this.

Thank you for taking your now to read this blog that I am dumping my fear, pain and confusion about life and my anger at cancerous death into.

Thank you to my family. The ones who have known me for 41 years, and have loved me through all of the different phases of how I became me today. Thank you for loving me even if you didn’t agree with what or who I was becoming. Thank you for having faith that I would get through what you feared the most about me, and thank you for your concerns…even if at certain times in life it was what drove us apart from time to time. Thank you for your love…it is mirrored back to you times 10. I cherish our time we have left together to my core, and am trying my best to spend more time with each of you.

Thank you to my friends that I have had for 30+ years who may be reading this because you follow me on Facebook. Even though we may not really speak anymore…thank you for the words we have spoken in the past, and the part of my childhood roots that you will always be.

Thank you to my friends that I have had for 20 years who knew me through the sex, drugs, rock and roll and darkness…thank you for still loving me through that, and a special thank you to those who I still talk to regularly. The ones who know my roots of darkness, yet enjoy the blooms of light they have grown to be. You guys are my emotional pillars of life. You are my chosen family. The small amount of time here and there we get together is food for my soul. Know that you will be in my heart forever, and I will drop anything for you if you ever need me.

Thank you to my friends of the last decade who met me in the light, and who help to raise me further into that light. Thank you to my spiritual family…a family that runs through many different languages of Spirit. Pagan, Wiccan, Hindu, Self Realization Fellowship, Amma, Kabbalah, Psychics, Reiki Students and Reiki Masters…thank you for all of the love and support you have given me as I stumble my way towards what I believe to be Truth.

Thank you to my fellow healers who I trade with. Thank you for allowing me the time for self care, and thank you for reminding me to book trades with you, or else I would probably get swallowed up in the blizzard of life. I am the luckiest girl when it comes to amazing healers in my community, and the sessions we have shared mean the world to me. I am a lighter person for them.

Thank you to the friends of the last 5 years…my entrepreneurial tribe. The ones who understand completely when I need to book a coffee date a month in advance because my schedule is so fucked up. The ones that know what a shit show of fear running your own business can be…but also celebrate in the bliss and excitement it is more often than not. Thank you for supporting me, and referring people to me and being there to help me with things I may get stuck on. (usually technology) Thank you for also understanding when I have to cancel something, because a huge break through happened in my business and I had to shift my schedule. I love that you guys always understand when that happens, and I love when breakthroughs happen for you too.

Thank you to my clients. I don’t know where I would be without you. The stories you share, tears you release, fears you slay and blockages you bust through during our sessions are the whole reason I do what I do, and thank you for trusting me with this. I am the luckiest person alive when it comes to who I attract to me, and the people get more and more in alignment with my soul as the years move on. 5 years and counting I have been full time with The Healing Woods…but some of you have been with me for decades getting readings and Reiki. For that…I am in awe of your trust and support.

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Writing really is a healer…

When I started writing this blog, I was in a much darker space…but the flow of my writing lead me to gratitude…even in the midst of huge loss and sorrow.

This gratitude doesn’t make me any less angry at Cancer, death or the loss of my friend…but it does allow me to feel stronger in order to get through the next phase of dealing with the emotions of this transition.

I am thankful for the time I have left in life, what I will accomplish with that time and the people I have to accomplish it with.

Even through the pain, there is a power. That power is love.

May love light the way for all people going through the darkness of pain currently.

May love conquer all.

#growth #GratitudeList #Pain #cancer #amma #anger #love

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