I have never been one to date multiple men.
I have always been the one who finds one of her tribe, whispers into each other’s souls, feels the karmic pull of lifetimes we’ve spent together and then ends up distant friends with them not too soon after because we scare each other and one of us freaks out into our cave away from the steady bonfires of love.
I am thinking that perhaps this may be some sort of cycle that I need to banish from my life.
The best way to banish a cycle is to do the exact opposite of what you are most likely to do…so I have decided to take a break from the “being in love with love” stage of life and trying to find my soul mate in love…and instead date around until I find the man who speaks to my heart, soul, spirit as well as my body.
Just because I have not found him yet does not mean I have to hide within my hermitage not experiencing the fun of getting to know men slowly…the earthly human way instead of the intense soul partner cosmic way.
I am calling this phase of my life, “The Social Experiment”.
Within this experiment I have found some really fucked up males of my species…some really scared ones and a few good guys that I am flowing around instead of trying to direct it all, which has always been my downfall in love.
Why can’t I date multiple men? I need to figure out exactly what I want by experiencing it…as well as experiencing the shadow of it, to really know and truly feel if it is something I desire or not.
A big part of this also is that I am so consumed with writing my memoir and building The Healing Woods as well.
I don’t want to get completely swallowed up by a relationship right now because I am truly within a relationship with myself, The Healing Woods, my spiritual studies and my book. These are in the forefront of my life, and where I am putting my energy into.
That being said…I am not at all looking to be a nun…and if I can go on a couple dates here and there to experiment with talking, getting to know and somewhat bonding with different males of my species…all the better. In short spurts with each…few and far between.
I have never been in this place yet this lifetime.
I’ve always been in love with love and having either deep relationships in my head with one man at a time who never knew how I felt about them because I was afraid to tell them…or in blazing infernos of relationships with one man at a time in which we couldn’t get enough of each other in the beginning and never really found that happy medium of “the honeymoon being over” so it burned out as quickly as it erupted.
I want to someday find a hearth fire of love….I am done with the sparklers. Hearth fires take longer to light…and stay burning a hell of a lot longer than the sparkler that erupts into a short lived fiery dance the moment a match touches it.
I’m looking to do a social experiment within my love life, and get to know as many different types of men that I can. I have had lovers within the old vein of “my type”…the unavailable, brooding artist/musician who screams to my soul and body on an intense deep level…but never really sticks around long enough to get to know the quiet whispers of my heart.
I’m reclaiming this time for me…and most of this time is being spent learning, working, exploring and creating on many different levels.
I have always hoped to be “chosen” by the men I fancied…and a lot of the times I was…and it felt good to be chosen…to be approved…to be wanted.
This current era of life however is much different.
I will be doing the choosing, and not feeling like I am being swept up in the confusing blaze of love and the sweet sweet madness of being in love with love with a partner who isn’t ready for that, yet wants me around anyway because he feels my heat.
The choosing will happen once I am in a very grounded place, and I am not looking to blindly give my heart to the next guy who whispers of connections, love and writes poetry for me. All of these things are beautiful…but they are not love.
Love is something that takes a long time to build. It is not a rain puddle that collects during the passing storm…it is the Ocean that tirelessly pounds on the rocks of desire that find their home on the shores of timelessness.
There is a grounding within true love…not a fly by night…or fly by month erraticism that never really makes sense, but you are enamored with this person, so you go for the ride that always seems to end in destruction. Yet thinking it might be different this time.
I’m looking to experiment with what it’s like to go on a slow walk with multiple men within the confines of dating to see what it is like to do the choosing.
If I find them right to choose to go on a deeper level of Social Experimentation…it will be more connected and more real than I have ever experienced in the mad fluctuations I have been caught up with in my past.
I definitely feel the shift within me, and the men I am attracting to me are changing which shows me somethings working.
The more time I have to change my frequency…the better the men will be that I attract, and I am looking forward to a nice leisurely ride on It’s a Small World right now…and not too interested in the intense Space Mountains I have been on in the past.
There is much beauty to be found in going slow…more to notice…more to learn…more to see….which hopefully leads to more to feel.
I look forward to what I will find within the slow flow of allowing love to grow instead of desire directing emotions to flood.
Flowing instead of flooding…my new thing within this new Social Experiment of Love.