For years I have worked with Cancer patients, survivors and warriors. I’ve been with them through years of treatment, offered Reiki while they received their treatment in City of Hope, and learned a lot about cancer while being certified for Oncology Reiki. I’ve attended their Fuck Cancer parties, celebrated their victories and have attended some funerals as well as having the complete honor of helping a dear friend transition from this life after a 6 year battle while holding him within Reiki energy.
I’ve been there from the first diagnosis for some to the last breath for others.
I’ve joined the ranks of these amazing warriors as I received my “You have Cancer” call exactly one week ago on 5/7/18…and in the past week I have been riding around on an emotional rollercoaster that never ends…because the layers that this diagnosis hits me in are unraveling every moment I am awake and aware. Even within the dream world I am fighting the fight and receiving help. Truthfully…I am emotionally exhausted, completely overwhelmed AND Ready to fight tooth and nail for my life.
I seem to be on a 10 year cycle with the whole death/rebirth thing…it’s the 8 years that get me.
10 years ago in 2008, I was battling a pain inside my abdomen that went 9 months without a proper diagnosis. The doctors just kept giving me pills for a bad “UTI” which turned into possible “Kidney infection” which was only really diagnosed properly as a huge abscess between my bladder and colon by a scan I demanded they take of the area. I was done being in pain and advocated loudly for myself. Hours after the scan…I was admitted into the hospital where I stayed for an intense month of IV medication, tons of tests and finally a colon resection surgery.
10 years ago, I bounced back from this a stronger, more healthy person who wasn’t about to allow herself to waste her time on earth rotting away in a cubicle or even corner office…she was ready to finally do her healing work full time, instead of in-between day jobs, and so the work to make that a reality began, which quickly lead to me doing this beautiful work full time.
20 years ago, in 1998, I accidentally burned my house down and everything in it. I narrowly escaped my inferno of a bedroom by running through a wall of flames barefoot to save my life. I was in a burn ward for 4 weeks and had to be resuscitated on the operating table when my heart stopped during surgery.
20 years ago I arose from those ashes a girl who at one time dreamt of ending her life who now was a woman ready to live life to the fullest with her second chance. She was ready to write a book, start a band, learn Reiki and completely change her life from the darkness she clawed her way out of…and I did.
30 years ago, in 1988, I began my decline into depression, became a cutter and tried to end my life, and was put into the juvenile ward of Las Encinas, where I worked my way through the levels in order to be released back into the world a non suicidal teen.
30 years ago, upon my release, I decided that I was going to take back control of my life and never give it to other people again. I stopped focusing my rage and hatred on myself, and found other ways of dealing with it like singing, writing and reading about spirituality and meditation.
40 years ago, around 1978, I was playing outside while my mom was raking the leaves and I fell into the pool. At 3 years old I had no idea how to swim, and my mom heard the splash and saw that I was laying face down in the water. She jumped in to rescue me, and she said I was moving my arms and legs almost like I was swimming.
40 years ago, my mom got me into swimming lessons, which lead to being on swim teams and awoke within me a passion for swimming…one which has helped me lose 100 pounds at one time and will help get me there again as soon as I am healed from this current 2018 situation…
7 days ago, I received the call I have cancer…but I am definitely not sick.
This call has awakened within me a warrior, whose strength even I have yet to feel.
This call changes my priorities in life with a scope directed right back on me.
This call has scared the shit out of me, AND I am not laying down under the pressure.
Yes, I need to rest and heal…but not before I fight with all I have.
The first day I found out I locked myself within my home and cried to the nearest and dearest on the phone.
The second day I sprung into action, and began researching my Cancer, treatments and adding myself to trusted Cancer communities I have learned of along my way of supporting other Cancer Warriors.
The rest of the week, I worked and gave my all into it, because my work grounds me and heals me as I help facilitate in the healing for others.
I have been working with my ancestors big time…especially the ones who have passed due to Cancer.
One in particular is my friend Stacey, whom I got to know through her fierce battle with Cancer. She taught me so much as I watched her in awe…how she took it with grace, fearlessness and always kept a huge sense of humor through it all. She actually passed the Saturday before my diagnosis. That Sunday as I went to sleep…I thought of her, and lit a candle for her journey.
That night, I dreamt of her laughing and dancing…strong and healthy as she was before the Cancer. She told me she was there for me…and when I woke up the next morning…I received the call to be a Cancer Survivor.
She hasn’t even had her funeral yet…and already she is in the trenches helping me on my journey that started the day after hers ended.
Yesterday, I arrived at a beautiful retreat for Cancer Warriors put on by Foundation for Living Beauty. They call all women who are Cancer Warriors, “Beauties” and I have worked with this foundation in the past giving Reiki to The Beauties.
Now I am a Beauty.
I immersed myself in healing, crying, talking and gaining wisdom and support from these warrior women who have battled all stages of cancer…some for decades.
I met one amazing woman there who asked me what type of cancer I had, and when I told her Uterine…she said she had it too, and then she started telling me about her Oncologist, and he ended up being my very same one who I have not met yet, as my first appointment with him is this Thursday.
She eased my mind about the surgery and told me that he was amazing, and I can definitely trust him…he is known to be one of the best around for my type of Cancer.
I was told by my doctor and 2 other OBGYN friends I’ve spoken to that if a woman was ever to get a Cancer diagnosis, that this one is the best Cancer to get. It is most likely contained within my Uterus, and is a Low Grade 1a Cancer, which means it spreads very slowly. The hope is that once they remove the Uterus, I should be Cancer Free without needing Chemo or Radiation.
This is the vision I am holding, and ask all of my friends to do the same.
This past week I have had so many amazing friends and family (especially my mom) step up to help me through this.
There is a group of friends on a Facebook chat that are signing up to help visit and take care of kitties while I am in the hospital and then home recovering from surgery.
Friends and clients have shown up for their appointments with me bringing flowers and gifts.
I have trusted Elders of all of the different layers of my spirituality burning candles for me during my surgery that all goes well.
An amazing Homeopath came to create a remedy for me and tons of other healers offering their time and magic to my healing post surgery.
The one thing I wanted to portray with this post (other than it just being a way to process everything that has happened in the past week) was the fact that yes…I have Cancer…but I am definitely not sick.
Please don’t feel sorry for me or see this as some sort of death sentence.
When you see me, hug me strongly…but don’t look at me in pity or cry.
The shitty thing is I have Cancer…but the gift to come of this is to see how much support and amazing people I have around me. I never ask for help until it is sorely needed…and my friends have circled around me in the most beautiful way.
I also can’t wait to see who is on the other side of this surgery.
She must be something special to have to get through this deep dark cave of Cancer to find her…I very much look forward to becoming her.