Since I have been sharing so much of the magic that has been happening during my retreat with Amma, I have had a ton of people messaging, texting and otherwise asking me questions about who she is and how they can meet her too.
I decided to write a blog explaining a bit about how I started receiving hugs from Amma almost 20 years ago, how it has changed me and how I am seeing my relationship with myself, my pain and Amma very different this year.
When I died and came back to life almost 22 years ago, I had a deep desire to find a spiritual practice to connect with the Universe in a real way, and the Pagan groups and public rituals I was attending were not cutting it.
Don't get me wrong...I have been a witch since I was 13, and connect deeply to Nature, magic and that particular realm of spirit...but at that time, I was just not complete with my search for Truth and needed to find a different connection.
I went to have a reading with a spirit guide Crone named Ambika, and the moment I walked into the room she looked at me in shock gasping and looked up at the ceiling saying that in 30 years of seeing Spirit Guides for people, she had never witnessed what she saw around me. She said I had a huge circle of giant Redwood Trees around me among an army of other stuff, and I began to cry.
This woman had no idea about my love for Redwoods, and this was well before my Redwood tattoos, so I knew that I was in the right room, and needed to listen very closely to what this woman told me.
She also said I had worshipped Kali for many lifetimes and that Amma was with me this lifetime and that it was time to reconnect with her.
I had no idea who or what Amma was, so Ambika invited me to join her the next time Amma came to LA, and I was currently in a "Year of Yes" where I said yes to anything within spirituality, so I could learn more about what was out there, because I was on my search for Truth.
Months passed, and I was busy as hell working full time in the Advertising Industry, booking/promoting/performing in a band weekly and building The Healing Woods, so of course I forgot ALL about Amma and how I was supposed to reconnect with her this lifetime.
One night, I dreamt of a beautiful Indian Goddess in all white holding me and soothing me. I was having a particularly hard year, as it was the very beginning of my Saturn Return, and my life was a mess. As she held me, I was told it was Amma, and I awoke remembering that Ambika told me I should go see Amma.
I looked up Amma online and quickly learned that the very night I had that dream was the very night she touched ground in LA and was giving Darshan (hugs) to people for the next week.
I drove myself to the LAX Hilton, not knowing what to expect at all, and was transported immediately to India upon walking into the Ballroom.
There were beautifully colored silks and decorations everywhere, an Indian marketplace selling saris, Indian food, live Indian music playing, people dancing and clapping and Amma was there hugging each and every one of the 10,000 people who came to see her that night.
I experienced my first Om done by thousands of people at once, and the tone shook the walls that I had expertly built around my heart through the years to keep people out.
I experienced my first hug, and she held me for an extra long time, and I immediately felt at home and 10x lighter afterward.
This night happened to be the biggest night of the tour, called Devi Bhava, and Amma was up hugging people from 9pm until 11am the night morning without one break, without any meals and even without a drink of water or time to stretch her legs.
I knew what I had just experienced was special and this woman was not a normal human...she was definitely channeling the energy of The Universe to be able to keep going like she does.
I stayed the whole time until 11am the next morning, and asked for a Mantra, and was given one which to this day, I say 108 times a day. Mantras are given by saints to help you water the seeds of grace and love they plant within you while giving you Darshan. They also clear away negative Karma.
Darshan is the Hindu word for "Seeing God" and different saints give Darshan in different ways. Some sing to you, some touch your 3rd eye...Amma hugs.
Throughout the years I traveled up North to her Ashram to spend weeks in beautiful Nature listening to Satsang (teachings) and doing Seva (selfless service) as well as seeing her every time she visits LA, which is once a year in June.
I have received hugs literally crawling to her on my knees crying, scared, lost and angry...each time she hugs me a veil of Maya (illusion) is lifted and I can see my path more clearly.
She helped me through the pain I was in, the Karma I was carrying, the diseases I battled, the heartbreak, the anger, the walls, the self-hatred, the numbing and through the past almost 2 decades, I have brought all of my troubles and my accomplishments to her.
Something is different this year...
It is not Amma...she is the same amazing light who could power a thousand suns.
It is not life...life is here to throw everything it can at me to allow me to learn the strength I am made of.
It is me.
This year I come to Amma whole and complete after releasing an organ, releasing 80 pounds, releasing patterns, releasing attachments, releasing pain, releasing anger, releasing Karma and releasing who I was in order to allow in the being I am flowing towards.
I still crawled on my knees to her in tears, but the tears I was crying were not tears of pain, anger and sadness...they were literally tears of joy and overflowing with love for life, the world and gratitude.
In 2018 I crawled to her begging her to help me with the Cancer diagnosis and had a Puja done to allow my Surgeon to cut out all of the Cancer so I wouldn't have to go through Chemo and Radiation.
This year, I showed her my business card and told her that I was able to do both...beat Cancer AND graduate from Hypnotherapy college. She looked at the card and then at me and did something she has never done for me in all of these years of receiving Darshan. She kissed my 3rd eye.
I felt a shock of shakti travel from my head to my toes and back up through my crown and knew that some sort of circuit had been completed.
This after receiving tons of other gifts from her like an apple, sacred ash and a pear.
My walls of self-hatred and anger at my past were broken down the first few years I received Darshan.
My walls of fear keeping me from stepping out on my own as a business owner were burned down 10 years ago with her blessing my Massage therapy license when I created The Healing Woods as a dream to one day leave my corporate cage for.
My walls of subconscious blockages came crashing down last year.
Today I come to Amma without any walls conscious or subconscious.
Today I come to her ready to create the beautiful life I desire and deserve by receiving her grace to flow freely on...no more walls for me, just waves of grace flowing me right where I deserve to be.
Today I come within a flood of love to receive Darshan, and plan to flow the love that I have overflowing within me to a partner in the near future.
For now I will flow it out to my family, friends and clients and the world...our world that needs love so much more than it needs any more walls to be built.
May a flood of love break down the walls of hate, fear and anger...may grace carry us home.
Click on the picture for more info on Amma