My Dearest Womb,
I remember the very first time I was shown an image of you.
I was in 5th grade in the Plymouth School Library in Monrovia, and an image of you was projected onto a huge white screen with a woman’s voice explaining to all of us girls who were sequestered in the dark about all of the changes we would be going through and what it meant to become a woman.
Thus began the game of “Who will get their’s first?” and watching as my body changed from a girl to a young woman in the years to follow.
As my friends around me started to get their periods, there was almost a panic that would set in for the girls who didn’t have it yet. Some girls lied about having it already…some lied about not having it…IT became a very big deal to my gaggle of pre-pubescent friends who had no idea that we were in for.
The day finally came…it was summer, and I was riding my bike. I remember getting off my bike and my friend told me I had a stain on my lightly colored shorts. Thankfully, not too long after I had my first visit from Aunt Flow, I discovered the music of The Cure and Siouxsie and The Banshees, so the lightly colored shorts were replaced by ALL THE BLACK, so little mishaps like this were not as easily spotted. (no pun intended)
In my teens, you were hit and miss with me. I remember experimenting with different pads, tampons and products…some months you had a short but sweet visit, and some months it was a parade of pain. Our relationship continued like this into my late teens/early 20’s.
At 19 we met the ManBoy who would come to know us better than any before him…and as I look back on that time of my life and after hearing other women’s recounting of “their first time” I am happy it was him, and happy we were each other’s first and happy that I can look back on it with softness.
Then my 20’s hit…HARD.
You and I got into monthly arguments, where you made me double over in pain, and actually have to call in sick for work, because all I wanted to do was lay in fetal position close to a toilet and take pain pills. It literally felt as if I had broken glass inside of my Uterus, and no amount of pain pills could cut the sting.
I was told it was all part of being a woman…suck it up…and just figured that 3-6 days a month I would be good for nothing.
That was when you changed things up on me again, and 3-6 days of pain became 10-12….and then 12-14…until I couldn’t take it anymore, and we went to have our first medical procedure…a scraping out of the Uterus at age 25.
It was then that I learned that they scraped out some non cancerous growths and fibroids, and that was what was causing the extremely long periods and pain.
After the DNC scraping…we didn’t speak for 9 months…Aunt Flow never visited…I was fine with it and enjoying my hiatus after the hell I went through for years.
Later on in my late 20’s, we were put on birth control, and things leveled out for a while…but I truly hated how I felt emotionally on the pill.
In my 30’s I decided to take myself off and get to know how you really are underneath all of the medication.
This was also around the time I met a living saint, got into meditation and into alternative healing…so I was able to meet you where you were at using oils, herbs, acupuncture and loads of other modalities.
My 30’s were pretty good with you…you were still on and off when your visits would be…they were completely erratic. No visits for 5 months, and then a 2 weeks long visit. I figured it was fine…my paps always came out clear, so I just figured this was our new normal and actually considered myself lucky not to have to see Aunt Flow more than a few times a year.
Together we fell in and out of love with partners, experienced amazing nights of pleasure and horrifying times of pain.
I learned to view you as the center of my female power, and even though our relationship was completely rocky and painful…I still loved you and was proud to be the owner of a powerful womb.
As my friends started to have kids…the question was asked of us about when we would be having a baby, and it was always answered the same way…”My band (in my 20’s) or my business (in my 30’s) or my kitties (in my 40’s) are my babies.”
I was born being horrified of getting pregnant. Even in the AIDS years, I was more afraid of a positive pregnancy test than a positive STD test.
A lot of this has to do with a past life where I died giving birth, and to help clear that out this lifetime, I became a Doula and we stood guard for 20 hours sometimes over countless women as they and their womb pushed out babies into this world. I always knew I was never meant to give birth this lifetime…but I could help other women who did want that, and I was a part of some amazing births in hospitals, birth centers and even one within a birthing pool in a home.
This past year, you and I have gotten to know each other really well.
I had a brief jaunt with a different pill in 2017 to thin out my super heavy periods that began when I turned 41. On our birthday, this year while we were at the beach, I noticed that every time I took that pill, I would get a splitting headache, so I decided to once again…take us off of the pill.
This was one of my favorite pills until the headaches started. It kept my periods away for 3 months, and then I would have a short and light one and then nothing again for 3 months…I figured I could handle that until we were in menopause, but thank the gods for that headache, and that I decided to get clear of the pill again.
After stopping the pill on our birthday, as I figured…Aunt Flow came to visit with a vengeance. The problem is…she never left.
I figured it would dissipate after a couple weeks…then it became a month…and then 2 months…and I was back in the doctor’s office again.
The pap came out fine…but I pushed for more testing.
It was during the next round of tests that I learned that you had your own heartbeat.
As I was getting the ultrasound, I heard a heartbeat and remarked about my heart being heard even though it was so far away from the device on my womb. That was when she taught me that you have your own heartbeat.
You have your own energy…your own power…you have been within me beating this whole time as I fought you…hated you…cried out in pain because of you….and finally today as I write this…I love you and I thank you.
Even though I never wanted children…I view you as my creativity space…my Universe of a Uterus, and even though I am releasing the organ…I am not releasing that power.
In fact…because this diseased organ is being removed, I can now fully get back to the power and energy you have always meant to share with me, because I will be able to connect directly to Source for that power now.
Thank you for trying for 43 years…thank you for beating endlessly through everything we have been through.
Thank you for causing the headache that made me to get off the pill and get into the doctors for a huge round of tests that finally gave me the Cancer diagnosis I needed to be released.
Because of the womb within my mother…I have life, and because of you being released…I will continue to enjoy life Cancer Free.
I honor you and love you as you are released from my body in 14 short hours.
Thank you for being here…and thank you for leaving.
I cannot wait to see who I am rebirthed as upon your release.
Where my Uterus once stood will be a direct connection to The Universe.
Go rest now, organs…my energetic womb is more than happy to take over now.
All of my love and gratitude,
Kristin