Updated: Aug 15, 2019
In a mere 63 days, I kicked Cancer right in the ass.
Short battles can be scary as fuck too…I am not going to lie.
Yes, I did all the right things:
Focused on the outcome I wanted and not what I feared.
Did my research and hit the herbs and supplements hard.
Made my healthy diet even more healthy.
Did Self Reiki and Self Hypnosis almost daily.
Reached out to healers and friends for support with my battle.
Even so…I still had to deal with some very human emotions:
Anger at The Universe…why me? Why this?
Fear of death/intense disease.
Fear of Chemo/Radiation.
Hearing some shitty stuff from certain friends who meant well but have no idea what to say (and not to say) to someone fighting Cancer.
Grief over losing my womb in a surgery.
Big intense PTSD that I had to go through the moment I hung up from the phone call from my doctor that began my Cancer journey on May 7th.
It has been amazing to see who has been there for me…and…who has disappeared.
I am so extremely grateful for those who rallied around me…AND I am grateful for those who showed their true colors through this in disappearing, so I can move on without any doubt.
My short battle with Cancer brought me into a quick realization of what and who is important in life, and my list of important things and people had to begin with me. As a healer, coach and basic giver in life, I am usually last on the list after everyone else is ok…for the past 2 months…I have been #1…and the rest of the list has been really short.
It shouldn’t take fear of death or intense disease to make yourself #1.
This time is also cosmically pretty intense with Eclipse and Retrograde Season happening, and truthfully it has been pretty amazing to have NOTHING to do for the past 3 weeks except release the Cancer, recover from surgery and work on my subconscious with Self Reiki, Dream Therapy and Self Hypnosis.
Your Conscious Mind is only 12% of your brain while your Subconscious Mind is 88%!
Retrogrades are the perfect time to dig deeply into your psyche and subconscious to rework the scripts that the 88% of our brain that comprises the Subconscious is running. Thoughts like “I’m not good enough”, “I can’t make that much money”, “I just can’t seem to attract the right type of guy/girl…they are all (insert issue/pattern here)” or the ever popular, “I just feel like I have blockages to moving forward in life and no matter how hard I try…I can’t win.”
These scripts are constantly running in the 88% of our minds that we cannot hear, while the ONLY 12% that we can control is wanting to meet the right partner, get the raise at work, quit the vice we know is bad for us, move forward with life and feel love for ourselves.
These past couple months I have really gotten to dive deep into my subconscious through the work I am doing in Hypnotherapy school, working with my hypnotherapist and doing Self Hypnosis and Dream Therapy. I have dug deeply yet I have seen how much more of the iceberg I have to work on.
Through my Dream Therapy, I have been dreaming a lot about ex lovers…only the ones who went deep. The ones I gave my heart to and the ones who gave it back to me or ran over it with a steam roller.
In dream therapy, it is not so much who or what you dream about, it is more about the emotions you feel during the dream and upon waking, and I do have to say that every single dream I have had about these ex loves have been within peace and wishing them well on their way out of my subconscious.
I find this perfect that once I released my whole female reproductive system, which is where we keep energetic imprints and ties to these lovers, I then have the venting dreams that successfully release them.
I am an Energetic Virgin…no longer tied to any lover or painful relationship.
Do I feel different after the surgery and all of the spiritual, emotional and energetic work I am doing? You betcha.
I find myself looking people in the face and smiling…especially men, who I used to shy away from or look down at the floor unless I knew them.
I find myself being seen more and talked to more by men…it appears whatever blockage tied to the past has finally been released.
I find myself not thinking twice bout saying no to something I would rather not spend my time doing, so I can continue my work on me.
Even when I am in a stressful situation, like bumper to bumper traffic on the 405…I still notice the beautiful vine of flowers growing on the sound wall, and smile to myself that life is precious and I am on my way to do something amazing.
I am putting myself first without any guilt…life is too short for that shit.
I feel as if I am still processing everything that happened since the first call to adventure with Cancer on May 7th and my official release from worry of Cancer lingering on July 11th. 63 days of questions, focus, pain, healing and rebuilding.
Now that the recovery is over, it is time for transformation.
A few days ago, my Redwood sister from Humboldt was in LA visiting, and we went to a Butterfly Pavilion.
Everywhere around us where butterflies, the symbol of transformation flitting around us.
I kept noticing butterfly couples together every time I zeroed on a plant around me.
Old Kristin would have seen this as a sign of love coming into my life in the shape of a partner…but after all of the transformative work I have received from Western Medicine, Eastern Medicine, subconsciously and spiritually from myself and others, I now see these 2 butterflies as showing the transformation of my Subconscious Mind and my Conscious Mind finally coming together to focus on the same goals.
This is the only way true transformation can happen…both parts of your mind working as one instead of fighting each other.
Change is easy and can be done immediately…in a minute you can decide to quit smoking, change your hair, change your job or leave a lover. The only problem with change is…as quickly as you decide to move forward…you can also decide to fall back.
True transformation that keeps your goals on track takes deeper work on the lower part of the iceberg of your mind.
My word and intention for 2018 was Transformation…I am definitely well on my way, and excited for more to happen with the months left in this year.