The holidays for the past few years have been showing me traces of my roots…it is quite amazing some of the things that have been unearthed from my mom’s garage and closets:
A map of my grandfather’s boat ride from Czechoslovakia to New York.
A Slovakian Bible from the 1800’s that was my great grandmothers.
My grandparents’ birth certificates.
Countless old pictures of ancestors I knew and those I never knew, but still carry within my bloodline.
This past New Year’s Eve…I was given a glimpse into my Inner Child, by my mom handing over to me all 12 years of my schooling’s report cards.
12 years worth of my Report Cards
It is as if I am being reminded about who I was as a child through the eyes of these people who wrote on a report card 30 years ago…some of who may not even be alive today.
“Kristin is very perceptive and uses deep insight beyond her years when answering questions.” Mrs. Winkleman – 1st Grade – 1981
As I am reading through the faded memories of my past…it brought up a lot of things that I had forgotten. One of which is the fact that as a child I KNEW what I was supposed to do…and I did it ALL the time…writing.
I wrote short stories, comic strips, poems, notes (and got in trouble for those a lot)…I knew that when I was writing, all was well, because I had control over the writing, when I felt as if I had no control over life at all being a child of Divorce.
Poem I wrote, which got published in the program for my 8th grade graduation
Kindergarten through 1st grade I was in a Christian School, which even at that age I questioned completely…but the good thing about that school is the fact that they pushed me academically, and so when I arrived on the scene of public School in 2nd grade…I was ahead of the crew.
“Kristin has tested up to another level in reading, and shows great ability in creative writing.” Mrs. Rood – 3rd Grade 1983
I always saw myself as older than the rest of my classmates, and never felt like I belonged in the grade I was in. It didn’t help that I was at least a foot taller than everyone else, and looked a lot older for my age.
There’s me…the tallest one there in the top row in the green dress.
“Kristin has an air of self confidence and awareness which goes very deep for her age.” Mrs. Buntrock – 4th Grade 1984
I remember this teacher well…and it always seemed that Mrs. Buntrock SAW me, when other teachers didn’t.
In my memories I always felt as if she was really hard on me…which she was…but now as an adult reading this 30+ years later, I realize that it was because she saw me that she was hard on me, and for that…I thank her.
“Kristin takes great pride in her creative writing, and it shows.” Mrs.Westrope – 5th Grade 1985
Mrs. Westrope used to catch me writing notes CONSTANTLY…and one day she challenged me to write stories instead of notes, and I would turn them into her daily.
They were about flying rabbits, secret fairylands and living in the Ocean…how I wish I had some of those stories now!
“Kristin needs to socialize less and find a better use for her time after she finishes assignments.” Mrs. Moore – 5th Grade 1985
So this was about the time where I was finishing my work super quickly, and would be bored waiting for the rest of the class to finish, so I would act out and make people laugh who were still trying to finish their work.
This was also around the year my parents got divorced, so there were so many emotions boiling up in me. I figured if I could entertain people and make them laugh, then I was somehow bettering the world.
“Kristin is a delight to have in class, and is showing a deep love for music and singing.” Mrs. Lawrence – 7th Grade 1987
Mrs. Lawrence gave me my very first solo in Show Choir. It was “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire” for the Christmas Show that year.
I was SO SCARED…but she believed in me, and I worked with her during lunches while my friends were outside playing tether ball and putting make up on in the bathroom…I was releasing my fears and soul through singing. A release that followed me my whole life.
She was the first adult to help me find my voice, and for that I will never forget her. Thank you from the bottom of my soul, Mrs. Lawrence…thank GOD for you…you came just at the right moment in my life.
The rest of the report cards don’t really have any place for written comments…they all became computer generated grades with generic comments in the late 80’s/early 90’s.
They did show a huge decline in grades…I was always in the honors and Advanced Placement classes, but barely skating by, because I ditched non stop, was suicidal and severely depressed.
No matter what drama and hell I was going through in those years…I did always manage to get A’s in Art and Show Choir…so at least I had those to get me through.
“Kristin is defying authority and a disruption to class.” Mr. (Old Man) Stewart – 11th Grade 1990
This was a man who was at least 75 years old, and taught driving and Sex Ed (don’t ask)…
I was very expressive within my dress during this time, and it was right when the students were having sit in’s to fight back about uniforms and the dress code. We even got the News to come to the campus for our biggest organized (before texting and Facebook…it was ALL through flyers and connecting) walk out, where a guy named Carl actually climbed the Bell Tower of the school using climbing gear.
I was a death rocker of the 90’s, so my school outfits included ripped black lace dresses, capes and crazy colors of hair. Old Man Stewart did not like my style of dress much, and threw me out of class for “Disrupting the learning/teaching process”
Really? How can clothes disrupt the inaudible dribble that was spewing out of this man?
When I got to the Vice Principle’s office, who was a flaming gay male…I explained why I got thrown out, and how upset I was about it, and he told me to sit with him until my next class and calm down. We talked about music and his teddy bear collection.
I was always a Fag Hag…in this case…it saved me from a few detentions.
Taking this trip down memory lane has definitely brought me even more clarity on what I need to focus on for 2016.
WRITING and MUSIC
I will be burning these report cards, because as my mom stated when she handed them to me, “I could feel the pain coming off of them.”….especially the high school years.
I gleaned the glimpse of my inner child within them, and the beautiful strength and creativity that have been within me my whole life. That is why they were unearthed…now to burn them to release the pain…I will hold onto the wisdom from them.
I suppose I just needed this reminder that I was born to do these things, because singing and writing have always been my go to’s for sanity.
Thank you to my teachers for the insight into my Inner Child…the older I get…the further away she seems. Tonight…she is in my arms, and I am loving her more than I ever have this lifetime.